i awake from deep slumber with thoughts of yesterday’s sadness still raw in my heart and mind. the song break it down again comes to me here in the red light of a cold morning. the weight of what it means to be an aging artist invisible after years of work and where-what now to put my energy towards leaves me curled up in a ball. i have no answers. and yet there is something i think in not becoming overwhelmed by giant thoughts. break it down again. the big picture sometimes just gets bigger and bigger until it floods the senses and leaves me paralyzed by the unknown. break it down again. what are the bits and pieces of a satisfied life. what do i act on. no more sleepy dreaming. break it down again. this is more than success, ego, or legacy. i do not seek the spotlight, but i also am tired of toiling in the shadows. what is my forum. is it time for me to dim, or to burn bright with compassion, to fade into love for the other and leave my dying dreams behind. where can i find in me the beauty of decay.
So I’m in the shower this morning and I see this speck of dirt (I won’t go into detail about how many other specks there are).
Anyway, I’m staring at this dot and I think, That’s me.
In the grand scope of things, in this vast universe, in the great arc of time, I am a mere blip.
In other words, pretty insignificant.
Now in the past I may have avoided this thought. I mean aren’t I supposed to have a healthy self-love? “I’m-ok-you’re-ok-and-hey-hey-everything’s-ok” kind of stuff.
“You are important.” “You matter.” “What is your legacy?” “You have a purpose.” “You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread.” All very nice accolades and perhaps true (except for the sliced bread thing, unless it’s gluten-free). The alternative would be kind of depressing, right?
Well, maybe. Too much of me creates a big selfish narcissist. There’s plenty of them around. Listen to the radio much?
Not enough may cause me to crawl into some hole, which is just as selfish and narcissistic.
So then this thought hits me.
Yeah, I am pretty insignificant but what is really cool is that God loves this little speck, so much so, that God brought me into being.
I matter. Not because of what I do or even who I am. But because God thinks so.
And God’s love is so big He can pay attention to every other little speck out there. God cares about the intimate details of the lives of every single person on this planet. Period.
Now that is something so significant it’s worth sharing.