for a lovely
in the time
i dont want
you to see
there is a
(Featured image with kaleidescope filter #GodsView)
I have been remiss,
lost in the stuff of life,
forgetting my bliss
for I am best when at rest and then when I rest in words.
This exercise is one way I pray,
an attempt to make sense of the nonsensical by simple discriptions of the everyday and so I have returned yet again to my inconsistent consistency,
resistent to the complacency that seeks to keep me asleep and lethargic,
divorced from the cathartic joy of contemplative writing.
So we begin again, you and I, hopefully to engage in the daily conversation I have missed.
That is my intention
with the stuff of life
the rising is not that far way and i wonder what i have surrendered or if this season has been any different than my normal days
it seems I continue to be ruled by impulse
driven to do things that are not bad but serve as distraction
an avoidance of the one necessary thing
yet each morning brings an opportunity to press restart
I will know this evening if I was able to be disciplined
it is a combination of being gentle with myself coupled with the idea that I really have no choice if I am to be and do what I must
The old prayer of courage serenity wisdom gathered together in love
So i will arise take these tentative steps and enter into the embrace of priceless grace
i know where i want to go
i can see the way so clear
that is not the issue
i have never been one who lacks vision
rather seeing the destination in the far off distance mocks me and serves to remind me of how so little progress i seem to be making
a lifetime of bad habits encumber me
i have not yet it seems learned the wisdom of incremental change
of small steps
of watching where i place each foot
of mindfulness to those stray thoughts in the moment
to touch each thread of what i am putting on until i and this new habit are one
This “neck-UP paralysis” needs to end, my body going through the motions separate from a frozen brain.
O for a sun warm enough to melt these capillaries!
To release the icy squeeze of old habits.
I, jerking manequin with a popsicle head, becoming warm and whole again.
Fat people annoy me.
Their big bodies block my way in store aisles.
I stand fidgeting with my cart waiting for them to move so I can squeeze by.
I am annoyed at their lack of awareness of the space they are taking up,
space that is a limited resource,
space that shrinks in reference to their expansion.
How can they be so unaware?
One would think largess would lead to a greater self-awareness
but then I am reminded of the fatness in me.
I used to live with the metaphor of secretive things,
hiding my painful parts from the light.
There is still truth there
but I find a paradox even truer.
The gluttonous parts of me grow and grow until they give birth to embarrassment, depression, and apathy which serve to keep me from addressing the problem.
It is the “mote in the eye” adage writ large.
I am undisciplined.
I ignore my faults at the expense of others.
I am impatient with all of the other patients of the world.
Growth is not bad.
Growth run rampant is called cancer
which can so easily put me to sleep
and I become another zombie stumbling through my days
unaware of the space that is me and the space that is you.
I must not ignore my own adipose tissue.